mouth of the volcano

We in the sovereign Republic of The Great Cajun Nation of Israel are inspired by the American push to teach Intelligent Design alongside the controversial theory of so-called “Darwinian Evolution”, and our Maximum Leader has instructed the Great Cajun Board of Education of Israel to adopt this policy. He extends the Hand of Brotherhood to the brave educational crusaders in the American states of Kansas and Pennsylvania, and takes this one step further by acknowledging the dissent in the scientific world regarding the similarly controversial “Newtonian Theory of Gravitational Attraction”. There are a variety of competing theories to explain why apples fall to the ground when you drop them, and The Great Cajun Nation of Israel intends to break the chokehold that the “Pro-Gravitationalists” have held the scientific community in for over a hundred years, give or take. Therefore, effective immediately, schools in The Great Cajun School District of Israel will be teaching Tiny Invisible Rubber Bands alongside the “Theory of Gravity”, in the interest of balance and open-mindedness. The hallmark of science is skepticism, and The Great Cajun Nation of Israel seeks to foster this skepticism in order to make the Great Cajun Schoolchildren of Israel smarter and more well-rounded.
The “Theory of Gravitational Attraction” has been challenged in a variety of well regarded texts, including “The Adventures of Superman”, as well as “Mighty Mouse”. These texts describe flying humans and mice. There are well-documented accounts of an annual migration of flying reindeer in scandinavia. There is a tradition in the heathen South Asian countries in which Yogis succeed in levitation, and there is film footage of things levitating (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back). The “Theory of Gravitational Attraction” holds that “Gravity” acts on all matter equally, but cannot account for flying people, mice or reindeer, and similarly cannot account for floating Hindus or robots. Therefore it must be acknowledged that the so-called “Newtonian Theory of Gravitational Attraction” is inadequate, and could even be an entirely false premise.
The Theory of Tiny Invisible Rubber Bands offers an alternative, faith-based explanation of why people don’t fall off the planet. Gravity is silly, because God never talks about it in the Bible. God is the source of all things, and God keeps the earth revolving around the sun, and people’s feet firmly on the ground, by tying Tiny Invisible Rubber Bands to everything and tethering it to something bigger. That’s why, when you jump, you come back, because the rubber bands are stretching and then they snap back. On the Moon, God uses fewer rubber bands, which is why you can jump higher there. “Gravity” denies the existence of God, because it takes God out of the equation. God, being the source of all things, would have to have created “Gravity”, and God just isn’t that smart. Rubber Bands are more His style. He also makes babies out of playdoh and puts them in ladies’ bellies. Superman and Yogis can fly because they’ve figured out how to cut the Tiny Invisible Rubber Bands that bind them to the earth.
So that’s how things are. We in the Great Cajun Nation of Israel are glad to have straightened things out for you, and sincerely hope the groundbreaking scientists in the American States of Kansas and Pennsylvania can continue in their struggle against the activist godless liberals who dominate American society.