mouth of the volcano

People often ask me, "Oh, Great Kahuna, if I wanted to invade the Great Cajun Nation of Israel, to claim your luxurious phosphate beaches all for myself, what exactly would I be up against?" and I'm proud to say you'd get your ass kicked, pal. Under the direction of our Secretary of Homeland Security, Grace Jones, we've assembled a menacing street gang of a military defense force, funded privately by and wearing the insignia of King Volcano World Industries. They are arranged as follows:

The IDIOT SQUAD
The Idiot Squad is our first line of defense. Drafted largely from the street urchins and the denizens of the Leper Colony at the foot of Mt. Tabasco, the Idiot Squad has an average IQ of 65, or roughly that of the Human Resources Department at Jet Blue. They are the first to engage the enemy. Minimally trained (meaning not at all), the function of the Idiot Squad is to run around in front of enemy fire, waving their arms and screaming. They are attired in an eye-catching jersey of neon green, and their strategic function is to distact the enemy and draw their fire. A Greatful Cajun Nation of Israel ensures that every member of the Idiot Squad who is killed in action recieves a non-transferrable pension for the rest of their life.

The BERSERKER CORPS
The Berserker Corps is the second wave of any battle. Once the Idiot Squad has engaged the enemy, distracting them and hopefully causing them to lower their guard, the Berserker Corps is released from their padded sensory deprivation tanks. Armed primarily with axes, the Berserker Corps is selected per recommendation of the administration of the Great Cajun Middle School of Israel. An ideal Berserker prefers hurling furniture to math, and cannot be intimidated by authority in any form. He or she can be whipped into a frenzy of violence at the most innocent of greetings. Another way that members of the Berserker Corps are "recruited" is through apprehension by the Goon Squad (see below). The strategy behind the Berserker Corps lies in keeping soldiers in isolation until they are released onto the battlefield, whereupon someone says to them (through a PA system at a safe distance) "Hey where are you going? Do you have a hall pass?". This is usually enough to make a Berserker grab his or her axe and rush into the fray in a frenzy of unfocussed violence, peppered with profanity. Approximately 40% of Berserker Corps casualties are attributed to "friendly fire", and are usually axe-wounds inflicted by other Berserkers. In addition to axes, the Berserker Corps is additionally armed with their teeth.

The MAYHEM BRIGADE
Occasionally a Berserker will demonstrate a certain degree of pride in craftsmanship in the carnage that they wreak. They may focus more on the joys of sabotage or arson, or instead of merely picking up a desk and hurling it across the room, may simply loosen the screws so that it collapses in the loudest and most dramatic way possible. They may plug the toilets, or rip a water fountain out of the wall. They may chase someone down a hallway while spraying them with a fire extinguisher. These enterprising criminals are assimilated into the Mayhem Brigade (though the word "assimilated" is used loosely here). The Mayhem Brigade is armed with blasting caps and explosives, as well as nails and assorted other sharp things that can be propelled lethally by an explosion. They were initially given rifles as well, but they couldn't figure out how to use them, and just kept asking for more C4. A surprising number of Mayhem Brigade casualties occur when recruits accidentally detonate devices in their own mouths. The reasons for this are unclear.

The GREAT CAJUN AIR FORCE OF ISRAEL
Staffed entirely by the offspring of the leadership of the Great Cajun Nation of Israel, the Air Force's headquarters is housed at the as-yet-unfinished Val Kilmer Memorial International Jetport and Flea Market. The fleet, at present, consists of a 1970 Cessna 172, and once we find a windshield and a propeller that fits and free those rust-locked pistons in the engine, that sucker'll be flying like a pig with glued-on wings and a rocket in its butt. We also have a gyrocopter, but the groundskeeper at King Volcano World Industries Headquarters took out the motor and put it back in his lawnmower, and we haven't found a replacement yet.

The GREAT CAJUN NAVY OF ISRAEL
The Navy's fleet includes a High Speed Interceptor which was captured from Thai Pirates by the current President of the Great Cajun Nation of Israel, Brett J. Doar, crewed entirely by a crack team of monkeys. Monkeys can swim, but they don't know that, which makes them uniquely suited to keeping a marine vessel seaworthy. Excellent sailors, the monkeys are unfortunately lacking in hygiene skills, and are prone to throwing their own feces.

The GOON SQUAD
A domestic paramilitary secret police unit, the Goon Squad functions under the umbrella of the Office of Homeland Security. Its job is to round up "recruits" for our military forces, and to evaluate conscripts for inclusion into the appropriate units. Additionally they are responsible for the arrest and subsequent execution of Enemies of the State, and/or "People the President has a Beef With".

The CLANDESTINE NINJA FORCE
Silent. Invisible. Classified. If you come home to find your pets' entrails hanging from the ceiling fan, you've probably been paid a visit by one of our elite Ninjas. And he's probably still there, hiding in your toilet or something.

I hope this has deterred you from a hostile invasion of our shores (and any dissent, if you are lucky enough to be a citizen of our fine land).

In Cayenne Fidelis,

King Volcano