mouth of the volcano

DATELINE: DANEM OR BENEN OR DENIM, NEW MEXICO. SEPTEMBER 19, 2007

I'm south of Albequerque, whose name I have always admired. Albequerque sounds like a made-up place, like "Pinkydamdoodlepuss, Wyoming". You just want to go "HA HA! no, stop it." Albequerque was first settled by the great explorer Bugs Bunny. But I'm not in Albequerque, nor am I going to be there. The closest I will come is this place, which I'm pretty sure is named Denim, or actually, yes, it's called Benen. I know this for certain, because when I heard the name for the first time, I said "Huh, there's a country in Africa called Benin, which I bet it's not named after, because It's spelled differently". I had dinner here in Benen, in a genuine streamlined diner. Dad asked what kind of soup they had and the waitress said "Fazzeeohlee", which I think meant was a variation of Pasta Fagioli. Because Fagioli means beans, and without the pasta it's just bean soup. Someone was shooting guns somewhere, or else they were shooting fireworks off. Maybe it was the police, because I saw flashing blue lights in the canyon.
NOW FOR THE DISPATCH: woke up in Potroast NM, or maybe Portabello or something like that. Drove south for about 2 hours. nothing happened. the road didn't even curve or anything. I kinda wanted to just tie a belt to the steering wheel and climb in back to take a nap, but there's a bunch of stuff back there and never mind.
We arrived in Roswell, where in 1947 something happened that was originally reported as a UFO crash, but was later amended to "a weather balloon crashed", and probably was neither, but lots of people like to believe that it was actually a UFO so it's kinda like when somebody sees Jesus in their pancake and then pilgrims come from all over to look at the pancake which is just a pancake, but people say it looks like Jesus. And then they sell tshirts that say "I saw the JESUS PANCAKE!" that cost 20 dollars. I'm wearing my T-shirt right now. It has an alien head on it.
There is a UFO museum in Roswell, and they sell things that say "Roswell NM Area 51". which is misleading, because Area 51 is in Nevada and is about 100 miles away from Las Vegas. Roswell is about 6 or 7 hundred miles away, and is also about 100 miles away from Las Vegas, except this Las Vegas is in New Mexico (coincidence?????) The Museum costs 5 dollars to get in, and I was kinda bored. There are lots of paintings of UFOs along one wall, as well as newspaper cartoons in frames. In one case, I saw the same cartoon twice, just different sizes (was it a curatorial error, or a CONSPIRACY?!?!?), and there was also a model of an alien lying on a gurney that supposedly was in a movie. Also, among this incontrovertible evidence of an alien visitation, was an american flag hanging on the wall, with a handwritten note that said "This American Flag flew over american troops during 5 combat operations in Iraq in 2005". Which is super, but I couldn't figure out what it had to do with Aliens crash landing in New Mexico in 1947.
Roswell's town logo incorporates a spaceship, and their motto is "Visitors Welcome". Get it?!?! The Wall-Mart, the Arby's, even the Community Credit Union use aliens and flying saucers to market themselves. The only place I didn't encounter the alien motif was the local museum, which had preserved the workshop of Robert H. Goddard, the very first rocket scientist, the father of rocketry, who built and tested rockets here in the 1920s or 30s, or something like that (I didn't read the thing). When I am blown away by someone, I call them a spaceman. Robert Goddard really WAS a spaceman!!!
We had lunch at a place called "PEPPERS" which, from the sign, gave me the impression was gonna be kinda like a "CHILI'S", and not just because peppers and chilis are kinda like the same thing. Peppers had t-shirts that said "c ALIEN te!" (get it?!?), and they needed to have their carpets shampooed, because the whole place smelled like dirty mopwater. I got over the smell though. it just kinda felt like someone needed to do some dishes and take out the garbage. There were two couples sitting on the other side of the dining room who really shouldn't have been eating, because they were really really large- large like they had to sit an arm's length from the table. One guy said to the waiter "How long have I been coming in here to eat, 18 years?" and I thought "Have you JUST been coming to eat here for 18 years?".
So that was Roswell. I got a t-shirt.
blah blah blah really straight roads, blah blah, dead armadillos, tumbleweeds that may not have actually been tumbleweeds, I might just have wanted them to be tumbleweeds, blah blah.
Something kind of interesting was that we passed through Lincoln NM, which was the site of Billy the Kid's last escape. Yeah, I didn't care either. also the home of smokey the bear. blah blah.

BUT, what was really cool was that the road we took skirted over the northern border of White Sands Missile Range, which still looked like desert, except I knew that it was White Sands because it said so on the map. Also we passed within 20 miles of Trinity Site, which is where the first atomic bomb was detonated. Then we crossed the Rio Grande river, which I have to say, didn't really live up to that Duran Duran song.

TOMORROW: The Very Large Array and Pie Town, ending in Phoenix. We're taking a road not AAA recommended, and living on the edge, baby.

DATELINE: POWATASH OR PORTABELLO OR PORTALES, NEW MEXICO September 18 2007

One of those. I'm leaning towards Portales, but you just pick whichever you like best. They won't mind.

There's an Air Force base here. I don't know what the base's name is, but it's home (or one of them) to the F-111 bomber or tactical bomber or something. It's also Home of the Greyhounds!!!! The Greyhounds are the mascot of Eastern New Mexico State University. I kept seeing "Greyhound Stadium" and "Greyhound Arena" as we drove in, thinking "Man, they are into greyhound racing here. It's like Miami", except for everything else.

While in Oklahoma (where the day started), we kept on passing signs that said "Home of Carrie Underwood, winner of American Idol, 2003!" and "Home of Garth Brooks!", and "Home of Toby Keith!", and lots of other similar things. A lot of Douchebags are from Oklahoma.

Another thing that Oklahoma has is the Oklahoma Spaceport. Its headquarters is a one story building with a sign that says "Oklahoma Space Industry Development Authority". It has an unmanned reception area and 2 offices, and nobody was there. Across the street is a Halliburton facility. A sign on the fence declares that they're hiring. The actual Spaceport is an old airfield. The landing strip is 1370 some odd feet long, which means that it's a little longer than 2 miles. So this strip is about 300 feet longer than most commercial runways.

In Texas, there is "The Largest Cross in the western hemisphere!" which is a big, white cross, maybe a hundred feet high. And there's a scene of calvary around it, as well as a nativity scene, and a gift shop. The Largest Cross in the western hemisphere is kind of not really a big deal. I think the only reason it's the largest cross is because nobody really cares about building one bigger, or even that big. It's probably the biggest cross by a lot. It doesn't take much to build a big cross. I'm far more impressed by the world's biggest corn cob, or the biggest ball of string.

Near the Big Cross is a water tower that leans towards the cross. There's a sign nearby that has a picture of the leaning water tower on it that says "Leaning tower ->". I think the tower and the sign predate the Cross, but, here's the thing: THE TOWER IS LEANING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE CROSS. ALMOST LIKE IT'S PRAYING. I'm just saying.

hmmm, texas very flat, very flat, lots of windmills, very flat, lots of cows, amarillo, enchiladas, very flat.

driving away from Amarillo, Dad was driving and says "Hey what are those things sticking out of the ground?" And it turns out that it's Cadillac Ranch, which is about 10 cadillacs stuck in the dirt in the middle of a field ass-end out. people paint on them. One guy painted "Ron Paul '08" on each one. One of the cadillacs had a cowboy boot hanging from the rear axle.

I think I've said enough.

DATELINE OKLAHOMA CITY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2007

We kinda put in a 600 mile day today.

Memphis has a big glass pyramid at the mississipi river. It's called "The Pyramid". There's a statue of Ramesses in front of it. This is, I realized, to celebrate Memphis' Egyptian heritage.

Memphis is Egyptian in exactly the same way that The Great Cajun Nation of Israel is Jewish! which is to say, not at all, except in spirit. For you see, Memphis was named for the city of the same name in Egypt, and this is because of the Great Mississippi's role as The American Nile. I realized this from my great powers of inference.

Oklahoma is remarkable in that I have seen absolutely nothing to remark on about it. we drove for about 200 miles and all I saw was an exit that said "Lotawotah road" and I said "Gee I wonder if there's a lotawotah around here somehwere" and then about a mile later there was a body of water called "Lake Uffaula" and that was kinda funny, but right after that there was a motel called "Lake Uffaula Inn". Fifteen minutes later, the hilarity subsided and we could continue.

Arkansas has an inordinate amount of XXX adult superstores along I-40. there were so many of them that I imagined a celebrity endorsement, like Bill Clinton with his thumbs up going "Hey, it's my favorite!". Arkansas has very nice roads too. Oklahoma's roads kinda suck. that's from having been on one road in Arkansas and Oklahoma.

Perhaps it's because of the the Adult superstores, but people in Arkansas are very nice. I don't care particularly for Tennesseeans- they seem suspicious. about a mile inside Arkansas we stopped for gas, and a lady who was just leaving the pump was all "Hey, where y'all from? Welcome to Arkansas!" Later we stopped at a Barbecue joint. A guy was walking in at the same time and said "Hey!!! Yall gonna eat some barbecue?" and introduced us to the lady at the counter. My dad decided to ask her what people think about George Bush, and she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. This is a good way to ambush people- go into a restaurant, order food, and then, after you've ordered the food and eaten it, and before you've paid and left a tip (especially before you've left a tip) ask your waitress her opinion on something about politics or Jesus. She won't want to answer but she also won't want to be rude and refuse to answer, and she's also worried that since you are the kind of person to canvass your waitress' political opinion, you might be the kind of person to not tip if she doesn't agree with you. Not that Dad would have done any such thing, or would have judged her, but she didn't know that (My powers of inference tell me that she was a republican). She was also very nice and parried the question like a true politician.

Here is a dispatch from our beloved leader from September 16th, which just came in over the "Great Cajun Telex of Israel":

DAY ONE

just in case anyone cares about how this little trip is going, I figured I'd write a little dispatch:

I'm in Dickson TN, about 60 miles or so east of Nashville. I kinda wanted to push to Memphis, but since we had been traveling since 8 am we kinda thought it would be good to stop at 6 pm (our time, 5 local). I still haven't changed my watch. we ate at Cracker Barrel for dinner, because there was one next to the hotel.

I have never eaten at a cracker barrel. There was a large guy who took me and my dad's order, whose name was Brian but he called himself "Brahn". He was a very large fellow, beefy and tall. He wasn't that into his job, maybe because his job was working as a waiter in a cracker barrel. Cracker Barrel is so named because apparently they used to ship crackers in barrels, and then they'd use the barrel as a stand to put a checker board on. I'm not sure how this inspired a restaurant chain, unless the checkerboard doubled as a dinner table. Also, that's why there's a desert in the middle of the country, because it was deforested to make barrels to ship crackers in, and they realized what a horrible waste of resources that was just in time, which is why we still have forests in this country today.

I'm not sure that I believe anyone would ever ship crackers in barrels. that's kinda like shipping potato chips in an armoire. a cardboard box works just fine for potato chips and crackers both. I call bullshit on the cracker barrel, and if it is true, I still don't believe it because it shouldn't be true. Also, who knew about the cracker trade? Were there cracker merchants? How much cotton could you get for a barrel of crackers?

Another thing at the cracker barrel is that you can't get into the dining room without running the gauntlet which is "the Big 'Ol Store O' Crap", where you are tempted by a remote controlled double decker miniature carousel, a thing where 2 stuffed animatronic dogs dressed as hillbillies play "dueling banjos" or the book on tape version of the Left Behind series. The food was okay though.

While me and my dad were in line at the wendy's for lunch, I noticed a guy wearing a Tshirt that said "Bukanan Paint: We Paint With Integrity". How does one paint with integrity, and do I as a potential client care? I'm bothered by the way they spelled Buchanan too, but I guess a person can spell their name however they want. How can I tell if you're painting with integrity? How does it look different from someone who is painting with compromised principles? I think a better slogan would be "Bukanan Paint: making your stuff the color you want it to be".

also while at wendy's I obtained a Dollywood brochure advertising "Bluegrass and Barbecue!!!" it promised a "Foot Stompin' good time!!!" and I was looking at it and on the back it said "Kids Ten and under eat for free at Aunt Granny's!!!" I know "aunt granny" sounds quaint and down home, but is that really what you want to call your restaurant when it's in a part of the country that's known for inbreeding?

for tax purposes, the North American Headquarters of King Volcano World Industries will be relocating to the Movie Star State of California. This also facilitates a closer proximity to King Volcano World Industries developing interest in Avocado futures and Avocado products, particularly in Aerospace applications.

The city of Irvine California has offered lucrative incentives to host King Volcano World Industries, and has offered the use of a world war II dirigible hangar, which frankly was too good of an offer to pass up. Therefore, King Volcano World Industries will close the doors to its North American Headquarters in Astoria New York (which unfortunately has no dirigible hangars) in July, and should be ready to open its Irvine complex in late september.

We at King Volcano World Industries are grateful to the citizens of Astoria New York for their generosity and steadfast support, and we will miss you.

Brett Doar was featured in the February 14, 2007 issue of the Village Voice.
Also featured was the TOTAL SPACEMAN Mark Esper.

Congratulations to the Great Cajun Information Technology Corps of Israel, on figuring out how to add links to words.

PC magazine had a little mention of ROBOZOIC in its January print edition.

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1895,2071702,00.asp

boom

okay so I didn't mention that artbots was happening in New York last weekend, and that I was in it, but nobody reads this thing anyway, do you? (do you? if you are reading this just leave a comment or something- just say "yes I do" or leave your favorite recipe for apple brown betty)

anyway, Wired has a little write up of the show on their blog. is it wired magazine? it's kinda like Wired Magazine, it's the same people, the website looks like the magazine, but this is more of their blog. I'm not gonna complain about it. the little blurb mentions Robozoic by name, and there are a couple of pictures of it. So go to the link and give Robozoic your love! Robozoic thanks you. we all do.

http://blog.wired.com/wiredphotos1/2006/11/cap_6.html

Dear Leader is featured in photos at

http://dorkbot.org/dorkbotnyc/06.sept.2006/images/

playing the huffyphonic gyrobanshee.

And video samples of the groundbreaking performance are at

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6488729505099931905&hl=en

(thanks, david kareve and inverbras!)

http://www.crashingart.com/

http://www.inverbras.blogspot.com/

we at the Great Cajun IT Center of Israel aren't sure how to do smart links.

If you've come here from rocketboom or dorkbot, movies and mp3s and other stuff is (are?) available at:

http://homepage.mac.com/kingvolcano

sorry folks! forgot to list it!!!!!

download your copy of "lunchlady's revenge" today!!!!!!!